Submission 3/3/10

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The accompanying letter:

" Hi. I don't know you. And I know that this might never mean to you what it does to me.

But:

I feel like writing so I'm writing to you. Do you love getting mail as much as I do? I really like it. I peek through the little glass window of my mailbox every time I pass it, hoping to have something waiting for me. But usually there's just a bunch of fliers stuck in there, trying to get me to rush a sorority or join the engineering club or something. Neither are likely endeavors for me.

Anyways, I was thinking about a lot of things yesterday at the coffee shop in front of the fire. I could see people outside walking through the cold through the flames. Their breath clouding out in front of them, turning into thoughts they hurried through. I noticed this one boy, though, in one of those hats that look silly on everyone but people still wear anyways, except he could pull it off, and he wasn't carrying anything or looking at the ground and I thought maybe it was you. But he kept walking and I kept sipping my tea- so I know it wasn't.

What do you think of right before you fall asleep? Sometimes I think about really gorgeous lines and colors and patterns, and then I wonder if I'm some kind of artistic genius and I should try and draw them out, but it never works that way. Sometimes I think about owls, or the beach at Grand Haven, that one I used to hike to with my old boyfriend. ->

And sometimes I think about dancing at my wedding, you know, the lace and baby's breath and blades of grass on my bare feet all swirl together,and then I get all embarrassed for being the stereotypical "wedding dreamer girl." And then I realize how silly it is to get embarrassed about what you think about by yourself before you fall asleep. I'm not really embarrassed anyways.

Last night, I actually thought about how horrible it would be if someone ordered chicken McNuggets and instead of chicken McNuggets there were a bunch of live gerbils in the box. Terrifying.

Do you have a favorite feeling? Maybe the one right after you wake up from a lazy Sunday afternoon nap and your bed is all warm and nice. Or maybe the feeling of not knowing what will happen next. How about the feeling from too much coffee and a cigarette? That's one of my favorites- jittery and calm all at once. Or maybe you like it when you get confused or frustrated or sad for no reason and then you realize how very little it matters, in the scheme of things.

Today, I was walking uphill, against the wind and everyone around me had their scarves basically choking the life out of them and I just couldn't help but smile at all of them - even the ones that glared. I don't know, I guess it was one of those little affirming, cheesy as fuck moments that people have far too infrequently that makes you relaly, genuinely happy to be alive. The snow was sharp and in my eyes and making my hair frizz out of my hood like goddamn octopus tentacles or something, but I've never felt more beautiful. I realize how corny that seems.

And then later, on the phone, my mom asked me if I was in love. She said I was acting like people who have just fallen in love act. She was kidding but:

I think I am in love.

Anyways, I'm tired now, so I'm going to go lie down in my soft little bed and think about some more weird shit.

Wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope I know you.

I think I do. "

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